Man, I haven't written in such a long time. But it's hard to find time to write when so much life happens all at once. I guess I got what I asked for. I had once said that it might be easier for me to have all my stress in one big splatter ball rather than a ton of smaller ones. Don't ever ask for it. Don't even utter it under your breath or think it.

My new sense of self-esteem has been doing me wonders. I discovered that with my new confidence mixed with a touch of make-up, a sundress (Yes, I actually own a few dresses and a couple skirts. Shocking isn't it?!), and a throw that all into a trip to the Home Depot.... yeah. It's really not about turning heads, though it makes me smile, it's about knowing that I am beautiful and not sticking within my comfort shell. Plus I learned that dressing and acting a little more girly isn't all that bad. It has it's perks.

Taking time for myself is a rarity. Heck, the only down time I ever get is after the kids are in bed. Sadly, I miss being able to tuck in my entire family into bed. I miss having my family together. It's like being a single parent with perks most days.But most of it I wouldn't trade. I get to raise my babies instead of a stranger and never miss out on those special moments. And thank God that my husband still has a job. I just wish that it kept him closer to home.

So a little caught up on things now. My daughter is excited for school to start. Having just me and my tubby home will be interesting and a fun new adventure. I think it's about time I enjoyed life a bit and went on more adventures. Either way, it's my turn at life.

Some problems in our lives

I've decided recently that some of our problems today (meaning people in general) is that they are afraid of being real. We're all sucked into a society where if you aren't perfect by their standards, then your screwed. I'm here to say today that they can go and eat their standards and I hope that they get constipated!!

Men looking at women and vice versa we all know what we are looking for. I think having our own personal standards are just fine. There are days that I am mad as can be at my husband, but it doesn't that I love him. Our society has mad it all too easy to disreguard vows that you make with one another. How hard is it really to know if you are truely ready to commit to one person for the rest of your life?! You do or you don't. Don't take the vows if you can't truely commit. And I'm not the type to judge people who just live together for a really long time or life. I respect that they don't want to make the legal commitment. But then again, doing so makes it even easier to just "go". What happened to people staying married, working things out, the respect and vows?

Body image. When you look at the TV or internet and what the higher end of society considers a plus size model, we're all screwed. A woman that is a size 8 or larger is considered plus sized! I would like to really use some profane words right now! When all you see are really tiny women and girls strutting around, it sets a standard into average women and girls minds of how we should look and be. I think it's great that people are starting to embrace themselves out there and not let society set their personal standards for beauty and body image. It's better to love yourself and have a cookie than to starve and think you look horrible and will never fit into those jeans.

Being yourself. Why is it so hard for people to be themselves? Why do they have to pretend to be someone else. What is so wrong with who you are. I'm not perfect or great by any standard. But I have always been myself and lived up to my words. I don't act any different around strangers than I do my own kids. Exception there for when I am having some PMS issues and I am a whole 'nother woman! :) Don't be fake people. You only tend to piss others off and send them packing.

I think what I am saying is to not listen to commercials, go by what you see and read in magazines, and be the perfect unique you. In my journey of rediscovering my self esteem, I have decided that society is really messed up. They want us to be completly uniformed to their standards and be their perfect little robots. Not me. Don't mess with my self esteem, don't mess with my given rights, and don't mess with my kids. We'll all get along in my book.

Take the key, throw it away

You ever feel like you've opened your mouth a bit much? I guess for me it's just being a little to open and honest with my husband. I believe in a marriage that there should be nothing hid and things very open. I mean there are circumstances that fine print is included. Over all things can be delt with and handled better being open.

There have been so many times in my life that I've sat back and kept my mouth shut. To this day, there are many silences I regret. Past is past and now is the future. I want to be free to open when the times appropriate and not worry. That is something most wish they could do. We all worry about reactions, feelings, and fear of regret. Don't care much for having that all the time.

In my life, there have been so few people that I can be open with, even if it can be brutal and blunt.Those people I am close to and they treat me the same way. Yes, being open and honest can hurt, but we need that. We learn from our pain and hopefully it goes in the right direction. Sometimes it can go sour for a while. Sometimes it opens a path we never expected to take.Eventually though, even if we don't want to admit it, it has been for the better.

I'm always on the path of learning when it is or isn't appropriate to speak up and be open. Family on my husbands side can be very inappropiate at time with their words. He tells me to do what everyone else does and to not let it bother me. But when I take their lead of voicing "their" type of openess, he get's all hell handed back to him from them. These instances, I'm clueless about. Hopefully there will be a balance between us, learning from each other, and we can all mind ourselves.

Back to the beginning, I think with my husband, it's not about me being overly open or not open at all. I think I need to get rid of the padlock and key. I'm investing in a heavy duty, quality zipper for my mouth. So I can have it partially open, completly closed, or completly open. I won't need to worry about silence anymore. Even with zipper being there, I can still dish it out, just a little bit more quietly.

04/28/2010

Life is like a rollercoaster. It has it's up and it's downs. But in the end it was one heck of a ride.

Life the past few years has gotten very interesting. Even more so since the first of this year. Feels like the world as I've known it, is crumbling and breaking apart. It's just been one thing after another this year and the years nowhere near being half over. Hell broke loose this February and I thought at the beginning of March it had been resolved. Then it happened again. Since discovering the problem only a few weeks back, it has been insane.

It all has left me in a tornado of emotions. Life is playing the ominous Wicked Witch theme song while I'm being swirled around. Flying monkeys have been at me left and right. And we all know how the story goes; I'm just curious of what's gonna be the Wicked Witch. In the end though, it always seems to work out. I just want to know when.

I've made myself look up and rethink things. Why haven't I been happy? Why did these things happen? Why now? I hadn't been happy because I felt as if my family, more so my spouse, didn't love me as much and appreciate me. It all broke loose because my husband didn't trust me to not blow up at him. And the "now" part I'm still trying to figure out. I know ultimately happiness comes from within and you've got love yourself, but it sure helps when you feel loved and wanted. But I'm getting there slowly and so is the rest of it.

I know my husband loves me. But I'm learning that I don't need so much from him to be myself and to like myself. I don't need him to tell me that I'm beautiful, although hearing doesn't hurt one bit. I just need to feel that and believe it. Everything around us screaming to be one way or another doesn't help my personal struggle one bit. Maybe that's why the TV's off so much anymore.

I'm ready for some change. I think it'll be good. Personally I'm enjoying putting my husband into my whirlwind. I think he needs to see what that feels like. I'm not saying that being in my whirlwind is bad. It was, but not so much anymore. We'll see how it goes. And that is that!

Flirting

Recently since I decided to get my confidence back, I have rediscovered flirting. It's simple flirting, just smiling back when being checked out. And admittedly I do bat my eyes a little. The way it started, it couldn't have come at a better time.

It started by being flirted with at a Walmart of all places. My self esteem and over all well being had been torn and ripped because of marital issues. While looking at clothes with my mom and kids, I looked up and this guy was looking me up and down. I kinda turned my eyes away a little. I mean, come on, I married for petes sake! So I just kinda went around the corner and left it be. A bit later I let my munchkins go wandering with grandma and went to the lingerie section to see what they had. I figured I could at least look at something that might make me feel sexy. So there I am looking at the frumpy pajama pants and the same guy is checking me out again as he's heading into the dressing room. This time I smile back. I couldn't help it. A minute later he comes out in a really nice tight t-shirt( he'd been in his uniform and trying on pants). The guy was rather muscular and VERY attractive. He looks at me and sticks his arms out as if seeking my approval. Next I found myself grinning from ear to ear, raising one eyebrow, giving him my approval. He smiled at me and went back into the dressing room. At that point I realized that I had been flirting back and could feel myself blushing. And what did I do? I speeded off to go and find my kids.

I realized that day that there is something about me he liked. I mean, I am not a tiny woman, but not overly huge. Could say very curvy. The entire week before I had lost every inch of my confidence. It was the first time in a long time that I had smiled and felt good. I felt extremely beautiful. I felt as if there was something about me, something that IS beautiful. Between blushing, getting a little giddy, and flirting back, I did feel a little guilty because I am married. I told my husband that night what had happened. All I got out of him was,"Okay." OKAY?! Barely a reaction. Not anything near what I had hope for or expected. Heck, I would have loved hearing that no wonder the guy was looking at me because I am beautiful. Anything more than okay would have been better. I mean he was part of the reason that I hadn't felt beautiful.

The next few days I was home and trying to bring myself back and hold onto the feeling that I had been given. When you feel wonderful, you don't want to give that up. The next I left the house to go out and do errands, I built myself up a little. Held on to that thought of being beautiful, put on some make-up, and a dash of confidence. I got flirted with again!! This time though, all I did was smile back not only with my lips, but my eyes, and kept on going. Ever since I've been a little bit more confident about myself. I realized that if I feel that way about myself, I didn't need my husband yet anyone else to do it for me. Though even today I couldn't help myself flirting again and enjoying it.

My husband even told me that he likes it when I get out and flirt a little. He likes seeing me happy. He likes seeing a bit of what I used to have. I find it amusing that my husband is encouraging me to go out and flirt. He told me that smiling is okay,but that's pretty much it. I sent him a picture of me yesterday. I had taken the time to do my hair and put on some make-up. Rarely with taking care of two kids, do I have the time to do so. But I did it. My daughter even walked into the bathroom and told me that I am beautiful. I think that she is even taking notice of my new found self. I think that my husband even far away at the moment, is seeing it. When he's got a spare moment at work, he's texting me and flirting with me a little. All I can say is IT'S ABOUT TIME!!

04/26/2010

Well I decided to take my Aunts advice and start writing again. I could be easy and say that I'm a stay-at-home mom, but that is such a sad, defining title. I am so much more than that. To put it bluntly, I'm alot like the song, BITCH. I'm human and have every emotion flowing out of me, sometimes all at once. But that's a woman for ya. I'm sure that it drives my husband nuts. For me this is going out on a limb a little because I don't like to share things alot. I'm hoping that writing everday, even if it's for myself, that I can gain back some confidence and find good balance with it in my life. It is true that confidence is the most beautiful thing that a woman can put on.

Since being a full time mama and no chance of ever getting my body back from my having my munchkins, I've lost myself a bit along my journey. When I met my husband, I had taken the step of discovering myself. Then we dated for two weeks, married three months later, and still going at it six years later. We've hit some rough patches the last few years because of health issues and the fact that we both have just lost ourselves and don't really know who we are. I don't know how well he'll admit that, but it's true.

My husband is an amazing man. Any man that can put up with my mood swings, has to be. I could never ask for a better father for my kids. The health issues I mentioned before was him having cancer two years ago, then everyone else in his immediate family has started to follow the pattern of "out doing" each other. His sister five months later had a massive stroke and is thankfully still here. Then this last February his dad ended up with severe health issues mainly because of his own personal choices. But recently, there has been a major change in him with "not living" and letting his "creativity" out. Because of this, and to keep details out of it, it's caused some problems within our marriage. It hurts most because he wasn't sure how I'd react. History with me goes, that my moods can be a toss up. So he hid things from me because of his uncertainty. But the damage has been done and I'm sure I'll be writing more about it later.

With me, I've had such a history, that I don't trust easily. But on the good side, I'm trying to go out a little and not keep life locked in a suitcase. I'm ready to let it out a little. Baby steps, right? I had such a passion for writing and determination for so many things. My passion for photography had sunk for a while and is slowly being brought back to the surface. I do on occasion get to photograph something other than my two kids and what bit of nature that I can. It's incredible to get out with my camera and get into my flow and feel that passion again. I'm hoping to keep that passion increasing.

So here is my start with SOME information to get me going. I hope to be writing everyday, to build myself back up, and get back on the happy wagon. Life isn't always easy. But how we deal with the bumps along our journey, makes us who we are. Me, I'm staring at the bump, pouting and muttering,"You stupid bump!"