04/26/2010

Well I decided to take my Aunts advice and start writing again. I could be easy and say that I'm a stay-at-home mom, but that is such a sad, defining title. I am so much more than that. To put it bluntly, I'm alot like the song, BITCH. I'm human and have every emotion flowing out of me, sometimes all at once. But that's a woman for ya. I'm sure that it drives my husband nuts. For me this is going out on a limb a little because I don't like to share things alot. I'm hoping that writing everday, even if it's for myself, that I can gain back some confidence and find good balance with it in my life. It is true that confidence is the most beautiful thing that a woman can put on.

Since being a full time mama and no chance of ever getting my body back from my having my munchkins, I've lost myself a bit along my journey. When I met my husband, I had taken the step of discovering myself. Then we dated for two weeks, married three months later, and still going at it six years later. We've hit some rough patches the last few years because of health issues and the fact that we both have just lost ourselves and don't really know who we are. I don't know how well he'll admit that, but it's true.

My husband is an amazing man. Any man that can put up with my mood swings, has to be. I could never ask for a better father for my kids. The health issues I mentioned before was him having cancer two years ago, then everyone else in his immediate family has started to follow the pattern of "out doing" each other. His sister five months later had a massive stroke and is thankfully still here. Then this last February his dad ended up with severe health issues mainly because of his own personal choices. But recently, there has been a major change in him with "not living" and letting his "creativity" out. Because of this, and to keep details out of it, it's caused some problems within our marriage. It hurts most because he wasn't sure how I'd react. History with me goes, that my moods can be a toss up. So he hid things from me because of his uncertainty. But the damage has been done and I'm sure I'll be writing more about it later.

With me, I've had such a history, that I don't trust easily. But on the good side, I'm trying to go out a little and not keep life locked in a suitcase. I'm ready to let it out a little. Baby steps, right? I had such a passion for writing and determination for so many things. My passion for photography had sunk for a while and is slowly being brought back to the surface. I do on occasion get to photograph something other than my two kids and what bit of nature that I can. It's incredible to get out with my camera and get into my flow and feel that passion again. I'm hoping to keep that passion increasing.

So here is my start with SOME information to get me going. I hope to be writing everyday, to build myself back up, and get back on the happy wagon. Life isn't always easy. But how we deal with the bumps along our journey, makes us who we are. Me, I'm staring at the bump, pouting and muttering,"You stupid bump!"