Life is like a rollercoaster. It has it's up and it's downs. But in the end it was one heck of a ride.
Life the past few years has gotten very interesting. Even more so since the first of this year. Feels like the world as I've known it, is crumbling and breaking apart. It's just been one thing after another this year and the years nowhere near being half over. Hell broke loose this February and I thought at the beginning of March it had been resolved. Then it happened again. Since discovering the problem only a few weeks back, it has been insane.
It all has left me in a tornado of emotions. Life is playing the ominous Wicked Witch theme song while I'm being swirled around. Flying monkeys have been at me left and right. And we all know how the story goes; I'm just curious of what's gonna be the Wicked Witch. In the end though, it always seems to work out. I just want to know when.
I've made myself look up and rethink things. Why haven't I been happy? Why did these things happen? Why now? I hadn't been happy because I felt as if my family, more so my spouse, didn't love me as much and appreciate me. It all broke loose because my husband didn't trust me to not blow up at him. And the "now" part I'm still trying to figure out. I know ultimately happiness comes from within and you've got love yourself, but it sure helps when you feel loved and wanted. But I'm getting there slowly and so is the rest of it.
I know my husband loves me. But I'm learning that I don't need so much from him to be myself and to like myself. I don't need him to tell me that I'm beautiful, although hearing doesn't hurt one bit. I just need to feel that and believe it. Everything around us screaming to be one way or another doesn't help my personal struggle one bit. Maybe that's why the TV's off so much anymore.
I'm ready for some change. I think it'll be good. Personally I'm enjoying putting my husband into my whirlwind. I think he needs to see what that feels like. I'm not saying that being in my whirlwind is bad. It was, but not so much anymore. We'll see how it goes. And that is that!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Flirting
Recently since I decided to get my confidence back, I have rediscovered flirting. It's simple flirting, just smiling back when being checked out. And admittedly I do bat my eyes a little. The way it started, it couldn't have come at a better time.
It started by being flirted with at a Walmart of all places. My self esteem and over all well being had been torn and ripped because of marital issues. While looking at clothes with my mom and kids, I looked up and this guy was looking me up and down. I kinda turned my eyes away a little. I mean, come on, I married for petes sake! So I just kinda went around the corner and left it be. A bit later I let my munchkins go wandering with grandma and went to the lingerie section to see what they had. I figured I could at least look at something that might make me feel sexy. So there I am looking at the frumpy pajama pants and the same guy is checking me out again as he's heading into the dressing room. This time I smile back. I couldn't help it. A minute later he comes out in a really nice tight t-shirt( he'd been in his uniform and trying on pants). The guy was rather muscular and VERY attractive. He looks at me and sticks his arms out as if seeking my approval. Next I found myself grinning from ear to ear, raising one eyebrow, giving him my approval. He smiled at me and went back into the dressing room. At that point I realized that I had been flirting back and could feel myself blushing. And what did I do? I speeded off to go and find my kids.
I realized that day that there is something about me he liked. I mean, I am not a tiny woman, but not overly huge. Could say very curvy. The entire week before I had lost every inch of my confidence. It was the first time in a long time that I had smiled and felt good. I felt extremely beautiful. I felt as if there was something about me, something that IS beautiful. Between blushing, getting a little giddy, and flirting back, I did feel a little guilty because I am married. I told my husband that night what had happened. All I got out of him was,"Okay." OKAY?! Barely a reaction. Not anything near what I had hope for or expected. Heck, I would have loved hearing that no wonder the guy was looking at me because I am beautiful. Anything more than okay would have been better. I mean he was part of the reason that I hadn't felt beautiful.
The next few days I was home and trying to bring myself back and hold onto the feeling that I had been given. When you feel wonderful, you don't want to give that up. The next I left the house to go out and do errands, I built myself up a little. Held on to that thought of being beautiful, put on some make-up, and a dash of confidence. I got flirted with again!! This time though, all I did was smile back not only with my lips, but my eyes, and kept on going. Ever since I've been a little bit more confident about myself. I realized that if I feel that way about myself, I didn't need my husband yet anyone else to do it for me. Though even today I couldn't help myself flirting again and enjoying it.
My husband even told me that he likes it when I get out and flirt a little. He likes seeing me happy. He likes seeing a bit of what I used to have. I find it amusing that my husband is encouraging me to go out and flirt. He told me that smiling is okay,but that's pretty much it. I sent him a picture of me yesterday. I had taken the time to do my hair and put on some make-up. Rarely with taking care of two kids, do I have the time to do so. But I did it. My daughter even walked into the bathroom and told me that I am beautiful. I think that she is even taking notice of my new found self. I think that my husband even far away at the moment, is seeing it. When he's got a spare moment at work, he's texting me and flirting with me a little. All I can say is IT'S ABOUT TIME!!
It started by being flirted with at a Walmart of all places. My self esteem and over all well being had been torn and ripped because of marital issues. While looking at clothes with my mom and kids, I looked up and this guy was looking me up and down. I kinda turned my eyes away a little. I mean, come on, I married for petes sake! So I just kinda went around the corner and left it be. A bit later I let my munchkins go wandering with grandma and went to the lingerie section to see what they had. I figured I could at least look at something that might make me feel sexy. So there I am looking at the frumpy pajama pants and the same guy is checking me out again as he's heading into the dressing room. This time I smile back. I couldn't help it. A minute later he comes out in a really nice tight t-shirt( he'd been in his uniform and trying on pants). The guy was rather muscular and VERY attractive. He looks at me and sticks his arms out as if seeking my approval. Next I found myself grinning from ear to ear, raising one eyebrow, giving him my approval. He smiled at me and went back into the dressing room. At that point I realized that I had been flirting back and could feel myself blushing. And what did I do? I speeded off to go and find my kids.
I realized that day that there is something about me he liked. I mean, I am not a tiny woman, but not overly huge. Could say very curvy. The entire week before I had lost every inch of my confidence. It was the first time in a long time that I had smiled and felt good. I felt extremely beautiful. I felt as if there was something about me, something that IS beautiful. Between blushing, getting a little giddy, and flirting back, I did feel a little guilty because I am married. I told my husband that night what had happened. All I got out of him was,"Okay." OKAY?! Barely a reaction. Not anything near what I had hope for or expected. Heck, I would have loved hearing that no wonder the guy was looking at me because I am beautiful. Anything more than okay would have been better. I mean he was part of the reason that I hadn't felt beautiful.
The next few days I was home and trying to bring myself back and hold onto the feeling that I had been given. When you feel wonderful, you don't want to give that up. The next I left the house to go out and do errands, I built myself up a little. Held on to that thought of being beautiful, put on some make-up, and a dash of confidence. I got flirted with again!! This time though, all I did was smile back not only with my lips, but my eyes, and kept on going. Ever since I've been a little bit more confident about myself. I realized that if I feel that way about myself, I didn't need my husband yet anyone else to do it for me. Though even today I couldn't help myself flirting again and enjoying it.
My husband even told me that he likes it when I get out and flirt a little. He likes seeing me happy. He likes seeing a bit of what I used to have. I find it amusing that my husband is encouraging me to go out and flirt. He told me that smiling is okay,but that's pretty much it. I sent him a picture of me yesterday. I had taken the time to do my hair and put on some make-up. Rarely with taking care of two kids, do I have the time to do so. But I did it. My daughter even walked into the bathroom and told me that I am beautiful. I think that she is even taking notice of my new found self. I think that my husband even far away at the moment, is seeing it. When he's got a spare moment at work, he's texting me and flirting with me a little. All I can say is IT'S ABOUT TIME!!
Monday, April 26, 2010
04/26/2010
Well I decided to take my Aunts advice and start writing again. I could be easy and say that I'm a stay-at-home mom, but that is such a sad, defining title. I am so much more than that. To put it bluntly, I'm alot like the song, BITCH. I'm human and have every emotion flowing out of me, sometimes all at once. But that's a woman for ya. I'm sure that it drives my husband nuts. For me this is going out on a limb a little because I don't like to share things alot. I'm hoping that writing everday, even if it's for myself, that I can gain back some confidence and find good balance with it in my life. It is true that confidence is the most beautiful thing that a woman can put on.
Since being a full time mama and no chance of ever getting my body back from my having my munchkins, I've lost myself a bit along my journey. When I met my husband, I had taken the step of discovering myself. Then we dated for two weeks, married three months later, and still going at it six years later. We've hit some rough patches the last few years because of health issues and the fact that we both have just lost ourselves and don't really know who we are. I don't know how well he'll admit that, but it's true.
My husband is an amazing man. Any man that can put up with my mood swings, has to be. I could never ask for a better father for my kids. The health issues I mentioned before was him having cancer two years ago, then everyone else in his immediate family has started to follow the pattern of "out doing" each other. His sister five months later had a massive stroke and is thankfully still here. Then this last February his dad ended up with severe health issues mainly because of his own personal choices. But recently, there has been a major change in him with "not living" and letting his "creativity" out. Because of this, and to keep details out of it, it's caused some problems within our marriage. It hurts most because he wasn't sure how I'd react. History with me goes, that my moods can be a toss up. So he hid things from me because of his uncertainty. But the damage has been done and I'm sure I'll be writing more about it later.
With me, I've had such a history, that I don't trust easily. But on the good side, I'm trying to go out a little and not keep life locked in a suitcase. I'm ready to let it out a little. Baby steps, right? I had such a passion for writing and determination for so many things. My passion for photography had sunk for a while and is slowly being brought back to the surface. I do on occasion get to photograph something other than my two kids and what bit of nature that I can. It's incredible to get out with my camera and get into my flow and feel that passion again. I'm hoping to keep that passion increasing.
So here is my start with SOME information to get me going. I hope to be writing everyday, to build myself back up, and get back on the happy wagon. Life isn't always easy. But how we deal with the bumps along our journey, makes us who we are. Me, I'm staring at the bump, pouting and muttering,"You stupid bump!"
Since being a full time mama and no chance of ever getting my body back from my having my munchkins, I've lost myself a bit along my journey. When I met my husband, I had taken the step of discovering myself. Then we dated for two weeks, married three months later, and still going at it six years later. We've hit some rough patches the last few years because of health issues and the fact that we both have just lost ourselves and don't really know who we are. I don't know how well he'll admit that, but it's true.
My husband is an amazing man. Any man that can put up with my mood swings, has to be. I could never ask for a better father for my kids. The health issues I mentioned before was him having cancer two years ago, then everyone else in his immediate family has started to follow the pattern of "out doing" each other. His sister five months later had a massive stroke and is thankfully still here. Then this last February his dad ended up with severe health issues mainly because of his own personal choices. But recently, there has been a major change in him with "not living" and letting his "creativity" out. Because of this, and to keep details out of it, it's caused some problems within our marriage. It hurts most because he wasn't sure how I'd react. History with me goes, that my moods can be a toss up. So he hid things from me because of his uncertainty. But the damage has been done and I'm sure I'll be writing more about it later.
With me, I've had such a history, that I don't trust easily. But on the good side, I'm trying to go out a little and not keep life locked in a suitcase. I'm ready to let it out a little. Baby steps, right? I had such a passion for writing and determination for so many things. My passion for photography had sunk for a while and is slowly being brought back to the surface. I do on occasion get to photograph something other than my two kids and what bit of nature that I can. It's incredible to get out with my camera and get into my flow and feel that passion again. I'm hoping to keep that passion increasing.
So here is my start with SOME information to get me going. I hope to be writing everyday, to build myself back up, and get back on the happy wagon. Life isn't always easy. But how we deal with the bumps along our journey, makes us who we are. Me, I'm staring at the bump, pouting and muttering,"You stupid bump!"
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